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How to Have Phone Sex That's Fun for Everyone Involved 

Whether you’re in a long-distance situationship or you’re looking to try something new (and COVID-19 friendly), figuring out exactly how to have phone sex can be both awkward and entertaining. Even if you’re stoked to try it, you might have some hesitation: How do you get your partner on board? What do you say during phone sex? Can you just...hang up when it’s over? Figuring out those aspects of phone sex (or any other kind of sex) might seem intimidating, but the experimentation involved is part of the fun. Below, we break down what phone sex is, why you should try it, how to start and stop (and keep going), plus a few good tips to keep in mind throughout. We hope this helps you get over any awkwardness you might feel so that you can enjoy it.

To start with the absolute basics: What counts as phone sex?

It’s actually a fair question, given all the technological options we have at our fingertips. “Phone sex is [a phone-based conversation] between consenting inpiduals who want to stimulate and be stimulated,” Lori Michels, L.M.F.T., AASECT-certified sex therapist, tells SELF, adding that phone sex can include voice conversations, video chat, or even sexting. Most people use the term “phone sex” to indicate voice-to-voice communication, but it’s always a good idea to seek some clarity about what it means for everyone involved. It would be a little awkward (and kind of sweet) if your partner got all dressed up for FaceTime sex, and you simply wanted to chat on the phone.

While some people might snicker at phone sex, Michels says that it can be a way to cultivate intimacy within a relationship. Yes, it’s a solid date night activity, but it also “requires two people to increase their comfort and skills around verbal expression,” Michels explains. So while you and your partner are “playing,” you might be flexing communication muscles that will help other parts of your relationship too.

Oka

y, but how do you start having phone sex?

Unsurprisingly, having great phone sex starts with a conversation. “I would encourage people to be frank and transparent,” Michels says about broaching the subject. “Make sure that you're actually getting consent.” That could look like a really frank conversation where you straight up ask for enthusiastic consent. If you’re a little more bashful, it could mean sending a flirty text or dropping a hint that you’d like to try something new and seeing how your partner responds—then clearly asking if they'd like to continue. No matter how you decide to approach it, the important thing is to give your partner the opportunity to opt in and opt out if they want.

Even if you and your partner are both enthusiastic, it’s still important to talk through what consent looks like, Michels says. If your partner says they’d like to have phone sex, that doesn’t necessarily mean they want to do it right this second, and it’s not an automatic invitation for you to call them and masturbate whenever the mood strikes (unless you both agree to those terms). So part of gauging interest is understanding what makes you both excited to take things further.

Clear and direct communication also means acknowledging that your partner might not be into phone sex, or they might have hard limits around video or sexting. In a SELF article about sharing fantasies, sex educator Gigi Engle writes: “You have a right to think about whatever you want during sex or masturbation, but your partner does not have any obligation to fulfill or be open to a fantasy they’re not comfortable with.” To that end, try to prepare yourself for any reaction that might come your way. And if your partner reacts negatively to phone sex, try not to get defensive. Instead, Engle suggests asking why they feel that way and learning a bit more about your partner.